Let me just put this out there - if your baby is crying and you don't pick him/her up, I will. A baby crying breaks my heart, and it kills me when parents don't attend to their crying child as soon as possible. Babydoll and I were in the store the other day, and I heard a baby crying. It kept crying (I mean, for several minutes, and it wasn't fussy-crying, it was crying-crying), so we stopped what we were doing and tried to track down that baby. Unfortunately, I couldn't find him, but if I had, I would have had a word or two with his/her parent. I generally try to stay out of others' parenting business, but I feel that strongly about leaving a baby to cry.
Children whine. Toddlers throw tantrums. Babies fuss. I know. I'm not necessarily talking about that. I mean crying. Crying has been a topic of discussion lately in my mommy group (have I mentioned how kick-ass my mommy group is?), as several of us have babies going through teething, growth spurts, general crankybuttness, at any given time. One of my mama friends is suffering from a severe lack of sleep, because her babe simply will not be soothed. BD and I are somewhat in that same canoe, with Babydoll's own sleep issues, so I shared with her as much information as I could (primarily from Dr. Sears and Peaceful Parenting). She and her husband were contemplating letting the baby cry it out. Let me assure you, this mama is pretty granola and definitely not the Ferber-type. I know that she is at her wit's end, and I don't blame her for grasping at any solution right now.
Crying It Out, a.k.a. CIO, is a method of sleep-training for babies, first made popular by Dr. Richard Ferber (though he never used that actual phrase in his book Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems). The idea behind CIO is that if the parent constantly soothes the child to sleep (via nursing, rocking, swaying, etc.), the child will never learn to soothe himself. So, upon first reading, that kind of makes sense, right? Here's the thing: almost all sleep-training methods involve letting the child cry for any amount of time. If you have a baby, or have been around them enough, you know that once they get going, there's some hardcore crying that goes on when they get upset. Now I'm going to break out a list of why we never, NEVER, let our sweetheart cry like that if we can help it:
1. Crying It Out causes brain damage. Yes, it does. Study after study has proven that long-term crying greatly affects a baby's developing brain.
2. Crying It Out causes stress in infants (duh). That stress hinders not only their brain development, but their physical and emotional development as well.
3. Crying It Out leads to depression. What's more sad than a bummed-out baby? A depressed baby is a detached baby. He will have a harder time accepting and giving affection as he grows older.
4. Crying It Out doesn't work the first time. The method has to be used over and over, meaning your baby cries, on his own, for multiple days and nights.
5. And finally, this is the most heartbreaking thing about CIO: the baby doesn't stop crying because he soothes himself. He stops crying because he gives up. His little brain processes that no one is coming for him, no one will soothe him, no one will meet his needs. For this reason alone, we do not allow Babydoll to cry it out. Ever. No matter how exhausted we are. We are her parents, her care is our most important task at any given time. She doesn't know that Mama has a meeting in the morning, or that Daddy doesn't feel well. She only knows that she needs something, and it's our job to provide her with what she needs. That could mean she's hungry and needs a bottle, her butt needs to be cleaned, her mouth hurts from those GD teeth, she's bored, or she just needs a cuddle.
Why do people have children if they don't want to raise them? Time and time again, I am struck with how little respect people have for their children. They aren't just kids; they're small people. How you raise them is how they will be as adults. I want my daughter to be loving and affectionate. I want her to know that her family adores her and cherishes her. I want her to be a strong, independent person. I want her to know that no matter what else is going on in our crazy world, she is our first priority, always. When Babydoll cries, it makes me cry. BD can't handle her crying either - he says it hurts him.
I don't know why people expect their babies, and even older children, to sleep through the night every night. I don't sleep through the night. I often wake up thirsty, or have to use the bathroom, or I get a twinge in my lower back, or I'm just flat-out uncomfortable. BD is a toss-and-turner. I often wake when he does just to make sure he's okay. Because I love him. Because I worry about his well-being. Why wouldn't I do the same for my beautiful baby?
There is a powerful post over at PhD In Parenting - CIO: 10 reasons why it is not for us. I referenced it in this blog, and I am constantly linking it to other parents who are having a hard time understanding why crying is so damaging. If you, or someone you know, is struggling with whether or not to let the baby cry it out, please check that link, and the others I've listed here, for 100 reasons why you just shouldn't. Please.
