When I first began seeing my therapist, shortly before Babydoll's Daddy passed away, I was struggling with the idea of no longer being half of a couple. His passing was imminent and we had been us for so long, I didn't know how not to be us.
I was sitting on her couch, legs tucked under me and tissue clutched in hand, when I asked her: "When will we become just me?" She looked at me, with a slightly sad smile and said simply: "It's going to take awhile. But you'll get there."
Nearly a year later, I have gotten to the point where I am mostly thinking in terms of "me" and "I" instead of "us" and "we." It's been hard. It's been shitty.
It really fucking sucked, to be blunt.
When I started this blog, after the birth of our daughter, I would have never guessed the direction it would take. The point of my writing, then, was to track our progress as a family in becoming healthier, happier, and tighter. It was more for me, than anyone else. A place to store recipes I came up with; the transitions we made in what we ate; the struggles we faced as new parents and then as parents of a toddler; my personal struggles with being an impatient person, a working mother, a Judgy McJudgerson, basically an unhappy lady.
Lord, if I'd only known then the extent of unhappiness I could feel, I'd have kept my damn mouth shut and just stuck to ranting about GMOs and toddler terrorism.
The thing is, I've learned a lot and done a lot in a year's time. I've had a few breakdowns and more than a few rebounds. What cancer did to our family, and what I allowed BD's mother to do to our family, as bad as that all was, I'm a better person for it. That's the point, right? God wouldn't have thrust so much upon me if I didn't have a few things to learn. It was an opportunity to grow. I have made peace with that.
I still miss him. Every day, I miss him. I still love him. I've come to terms with who he was and who we were as a couple, and I've sorted through the guilt and grief associated with that. That was a real bitch of a process, let me tell you.
What you don't know, until you lose someone you really love, is the extent to which you can miss them. It's unfathomable. It's consistent. It sometimes takes over your whole being. It becomes an extra body part, in that you always carry it with you, no matter where you go or what you do. You forget what it was like to NOT miss them.
So, anyway. Just some things that have been floating around in my brain lately. Thanks for hanging out with me. Have a great day!
It really fucking sucked, to be blunt.
When I started this blog, after the birth of our daughter, I would have never guessed the direction it would take. The point of my writing, then, was to track our progress as a family in becoming healthier, happier, and tighter. It was more for me, than anyone else. A place to store recipes I came up with; the transitions we made in what we ate; the struggles we faced as new parents and then as parents of a toddler; my personal struggles with being an impatient person, a working mother, a Judgy McJudgerson, basically an unhappy lady.
Lord, if I'd only known then the extent of unhappiness I could feel, I'd have kept my damn mouth shut and just stuck to ranting about GMOs and toddler terrorism.
The thing is, I've learned a lot and done a lot in a year's time. I've had a few breakdowns and more than a few rebounds. What cancer did to our family, and what I allowed BD's mother to do to our family, as bad as that all was, I'm a better person for it. That's the point, right? God wouldn't have thrust so much upon me if I didn't have a few things to learn. It was an opportunity to grow. I have made peace with that.
I still miss him. Every day, I miss him. I still love him. I've come to terms with who he was and who we were as a couple, and I've sorted through the guilt and grief associated with that. That was a real bitch of a process, let me tell you.
What you don't know, until you lose someone you really love, is the extent to which you can miss them. It's unfathomable. It's consistent. It sometimes takes over your whole being. It becomes an extra body part, in that you always carry it with you, no matter where you go or what you do. You forget what it was like to NOT miss them.
So, anyway. Just some things that have been floating around in my brain lately. Thanks for hanging out with me. Have a great day!
