My No-Booby Baby

When I was pregnant, I was positive that I was going to breastfeed my baby for at least a year, or whenever she decided she didn't want booby juice anymore.  It never occurred to me that my body (and my baby) would have other plans.  Babydoll and I seriously struggled with breastfeeding; I know most women do, in the beginning, but after cataloging the issues we had, I've come to the conclusion that feeding my baby the way I wanted just wasn't in the stars for us.  I won't get into the details; it's way more personal than I'd like to share and, to be truthful, I've just now gotten to a point where I don't cry about it every day.

Well, scratch that.  Excuse me for a moment.

OK.  Dry eyes again. 

So then, I was left with the question: "What do I feed her?"  As I said, I never, not in a million years, thought that I wouldn't be able to produce nourishment for my child myself.  I had no clue about infant formulas.  I didn't know what was best, or safest, or most reliable.  I didn't know how they were made, what additives were in them, or even all the brands available.  "Formula" was as foreign a word as...well, some foreign word I don't know. 

In the beginning, we gave her what we had on hand.  Let me tell you, when you're pregnant or have just given birth, the major formula makers will hunt you down.  I never signed up on anyone's mailing list, but multiple cans of Similac and Enfamil showed up on my doorstep.  In our childbirth class, we were given a box of powdered formula and premade bottles.  My OB's office offered me samples at every appointment.  Every time I turned my big belly around, someone was thrusting formula at me.  My plan was to donate it all to The Shade Tree, but the last trimester of my pregnancy was so eventful, I was never got around to it.

After a couple weeks of trial and error (Similac made her horribly constipated - BD literally had to birth her poops while she was screaming in pain.  We're talking hard, marble-sized, pellet poops.  God, I can't even think back to that.  My poor baby.  I also tried Baby's Only, an organic formula, but it made her puke look like cottage cheese.  We figured that probably wasn't a good thing.), we finally settled into Enfamil Newborn.  She threw it up the least and her poo went back to normal.  She began gaining weight and became the picture of a healthy newborn.  Then, after I looked into artificial growth hormones in milk, I started to wonder about the milk from which the formula is made.  Milk not treated with rBST says so right on the label.  I literally jumped off the couch and grabbed the tub of Enfamil.  I read every word on the label.  It didn't say anything about whether or not the milk was treated with rBST.  "F-word," I thought to myself.  I went online to Enfamil's website - no info there either.  "Ohhhhh F WORD!!!"

I grabbed my trusty iPhone (my "boyfriend," according to BD) and called Enfamil's 800 number.  A very nice man bullshitted me for a good ten minutes, while obviously struggling to find the answer to my question: "Is the milk in your formula treated with artificial growth hormone?"  He finally admitted that he didn't know, and since I wasn't going anywhere without an answer, he transferred me to a "product specialist."  The woman I spoke with was, again, very nice and asked how my baby was doing on the formula.  "She's doing very well, thank you.  But I just want to know if the milk in the formula has been treated or not, please."  They must not get this question often, because it seemed to take her awhile and after a couple minutes, she found her script.  She informed me that the FDA has ruled that artifical growth hormone is safe (which is why I don't trust the FDA).  "Yes, I know they have, but that doesn't answer my question," I replied.  She went on to say that no test can determine a difference between treated and non-treated milk.  By then, I'd reached my acceptable level of bullshit (it's actually a pretty low level, but she was polite, so I didn't want to get all douchey on her and ruin her day).  "Look.  I know all of this.  I could give you 20 reasons why you should never drink or eat dairy that's been treated, but I don't have that kind of time.  I just want a yes or no answer."

So here's the answer: yes, "some" of the milk comes from cows that have been treated with rBST.  By "some," I made the reasonable assumption that she meant 99.9999999% of the milk.  And I came to find out that Similac and Good Start are made the same way (except Similac Organic).

My stomach turned.  My heart pounded.  My head throbbed.  I looked down at my beautiful Babydoll, lying peacefully in my arms.  As if I weren't suffering enough guilt in my breastfeeding failure, now it was clear that I had been feeding my baby something I wouldn't feed my enemy.  Worst.Mother.Ever.

I jumped online and Googled "organic infant formula."  Earth's Best kept coming up.  Hey!  I know that brand!  I bundled up Babydoll and ran to Whole Foods.  I grabbed a can of their milk-based formula.  Recoiled a bit at the price tag.  Ran home with the new, organic, PRICY formula and prayed it wouldn't make her sick.  At her next feeding, we cautiously gave her the Earth's Best.  Then we waited.  She spit up a little bit, but no major puke fest like the other organic brand I had tried.  For her next two bottles we gave her Enfamil, because we figured it would be easiest on her teeny tummy if we weaned her from it slowly.  Over the next two days, we gave her more and more of the Earth's Best and dude, she did AWESOME with it.  Poop was good, throw up factor was minimal, and painful gas wasn't an issue.  She seemed to really like it, too.  We had a winner!

Nothing will ever make me feel like I didn't totally fail my daughter because I couldn't successfully breastfeed her, but being able to give her an organic formula that agrees with her does ease my mind some.  Now, if you'll excuse me, Babydoll is demanding a bottle of the best I can do.