The General State Of Unwell

The following is pretty much a rambling vent.


I don't feel well.  I can't remember the last time I did feel well.  It must have been before I was pregnant, because that's when my immune system took a nosedive.  I've been sick with cold after cold, pneumonia, previously nonexistent allergies, headaches, you name it.  Prior to gestation, my immune system was a steel tank.  Germs?  Psshh.  Germs didn't get to me.  I once compared myself to Bruce Willis' character in "Unbreakable."

Have you seen that movie?  It's so good, so imaginative.  I'm a huge M. Night Shyamalan fan.  SHHH!  I don't want to hear about how nothing he's done has compared to "The Sixth Sense."  I am making the blanket statement that all of his movies have been exceptional.  Yes, even "The Happening."  Shush.

I got sidetracked.  That happens to me quite a bit these days, too.  I often feel that my brain is foggy...like San Francisco.  I can see the peaks of the Golden Gate bridge, but not the whole thing.  I have a hard time concentrating.  "Focus" is a foreign word.  This is not awesome when you are in the process of starting your own company (yep, I am!  More later).

It doesn't help that I'm completely miserable at work.  I haven't received a raise in three years (the company can't "afford" it), though my workload has tripled in that time.  Supporting a family of three, single-handed, in this economy, weighs heavily on my shoulders.  BD has been sick for a very long time - he is having surgery next month and I pray that will relieve some of his burden.  I spend 40 hours each week questioning my purpose here and wondering if I'll be laid off at some point.

Babydoll slept through the night a handful of times between her birth and the age of 11 months.  I thought that once I was getting more regular sleep, I'd feel more rested.  It's been 7 months since she started to regularly sleep through the night ("regularly" meaning an average of 4 nights out of 7) and I don't feel better, though I usually get at least 8 hours of sleep.

We changed our diet several months ago - it's more plant-based, low in fat, lots of whole grains, and very little fast food.  I thought that would make me feel better, but I feel even more sluggish than before.

I practice yoga nightly.  I focus on my breath.  I try to clear my mind while holding each pose.  The quiet time seems to make my mind run like a coked-up hamster in a wheel, which gets me all frustrated with myself because "Dude!  I'm trying to relax here!  Shut up!"

I suffer from polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and I have a feeling it is rearing it's oh-so-ugly head right now.  The foggy brain, unrelenting fatigue, mood swings, inability to lose weight, all point to it...not to mention the stabbing pain of bursting cysts every few weeks.  Good times.  If you are unfamiliar with PCOS, check it out.  It's a real bitch.

I "fired" my OB/GYN after Babydoll's birth.  I've selected a new doctor, but as OB/GYNs go, he's pretty in demand and difficult to get in to as a new patient.  I don't trust the medical community, in general, but I know that I really need help, at this point.  There's a little girl who relies on me to be as healthy as I can be.