Missing

I miss you, sweetheart.  I miss you everyday.  Our daughter asks for you, asks about you, everyday .  She tells me, clearly, that you are happy in heaven.  She tells me, "My Daddy is happy."  It's hard for me to believe that, to understand it.  How can you be happy, when you aren't with us?  When my heart splinters every morning that I wake and you aren't here?  Perhaps the freedom from pain, and suffering, makes you happy.  I want that, for you.  I want that, for me too.  But I miss you so much.  It's almost Christmas, here.  I put up our tree.  I hung your ornaments, and your stocking.  What do I fill it with?  It seemed wrong to leave it in a box...but I don't know what I should tuck inside it.  Our dear, darling daughter is excited for Christmas this year.  She's told Santa that she wants a big girl princess bike and a puppy.  The bike, I can do.  The puppy?  Yeah, I'm not sure I can keep another living creature alive.

I really miss you.  I miss your mocking of my collection of Barbie ornaments.  Guess what?  Our sweet daughter has requested a pink, sparkly, dolly tree.  I guess my Barbie ornaments will come in handy this year.

I really miss you.  I miss Bailey's and coffee and pancakes with real maple syrup and your insistence upon pork sausage, not chicken sausage.  I miss our dreams of teaching our sweet daughter to ride a bike on Christmas morning.  I miss our late-night toy-building sessions on Christmas Eve.  We only got one of those and it's not fair.  I miss sipping a glass on wine while you struggled to make heads of a trike building instructions.  I miss the Christmas Eve toasts we gave each other, before slipping into our warm bed

I miss all of you.  I miss you so much, that I can't stand it.  But I know I must.  Our daughter was the most important person in the world to you, and I promised you, at the end, that I would do everything I possibly could to make her happy.

So, my sweetheart, I will do as you would have.  I will make this time of year magical, and enchanting, and special, and everything we promised each other, for her.

I love you.  I miss you.  I hope you are happy and at peace.  That is all we ever wanted and it's all I want for you.