Making Change

The life of a working mother is a difficult one.  I am referring to those of us who work outside the home.  I know, all mothers are working mothers - I get it.  But I have no experience as a stay-at-home mom, so I can't comment on the challenges of those who are.

The day-to-day challenges of meeting expectations both at home and at work are trying, tiresome, and, sometimes, impossible.  Babydoll was only 10 weeks old when my maternity leave was up and I had to return to work.  She is almost 18 months old now (what???) and it is no less difficult today than it was back then.  I hate leaving in the morning.  I hate knowing what I'm missing.  I hate not being able to take her to story time, play group, baby development classes, etc.  The scheduling of those, in my city at least, are geared for the stay-at-home set.  

It doesn't help that I hate my job.

I've spent a great amount of time whining and feeling sorry for myself  because I have to work.  I've cried during my commute, because Babydoll cried when I left for work.  I've harbored resentment toward those who lament on Facebook: "Didn't get to take my nap today because Junior just wouldn't go down for his!"  Grrrr.  

When I got pregnant, I knew that I would be returning to work after my unpaid maternity leave was up.  There was no choice.  I recalled everything I'd ever read about career women with families, and how we can have it all.

Sure, you can have it all.  If you don't sleep.

Anyhoo.

During BD's week-long hospital stay, I took vacation time to stay at home with Babydoll and try to keep her in a routine.  It was during this week that I realized just how much I was missing.  Couple that with feeling like a shitty mother who never makes time for her child, and the result is a huge, massive tidal wave of guilt.  After much crying and whining and groaning, I slapped myself in the face (verbally, not literally).  "Grow up.  Quit your bitching and figure out a solution."  There had to be some way for me to work full-time but still get in enough quality time at home.

The solution occurred to me at 3:14 a.m. on a Friday.  Of course.  Isn't that always when solutions present themselves?

My idea was to ask my boss if I could begin a four 10's schedule: that's working four days a week, for ten hours each day.  This schedule would allow me to get in my 40 hours but would also give me 3 days off each week.  Jackpot!  I e-mailed my boss with my proposal (Sunday - Wednesday, 6 a.m. - 4 p.m.) and eagerly, but nervously, awaited his response.  He e-mailed me back later that evening with "Let me think about it."

Eeeks.  But as my friend, Aileen, pointed out, he didn't say no immediately.

A harrowing 36 hours later, he popped into my office and settled into a chair.  "Okay," he said.  I raised an eyebrow.  "Okay?" I asked.  "Okay, you can have your new schedule.  You want to start it next week?" he responded.

YES!!!

Something my brother, Sam, often says: "Ask and you shall receive."  I was seriously scared shitless about asking for this change, but what's the worst he could have said?  "No."  That's it.  The lesson I received was to discover what mattered most to me, how to get it, and then ask for it.

There is a quote that floats around, and is usually attributed to Mahatma Gandhi.  In my quest to make sure I got the quote correct, I found about 25 different answers online, so I'll just use the one that is most familiar:

"We must be the change we want to see in the world."

How often do we forgo what we really want, and sometimes really need, because we are too scared to ask?  I know I do it frequently.  I also know that it's to my own detriment that I keep pushing down what I want, what I need, in order to feel like a better mama to my baby.  I've really got to remember that it's my responsibility to go after what is most important to me.  My hope is that this new schedule will allow me more time for Babydoll, more time with Babydoll's Daddy, for housekeeping, and for me time (what's that like?).

Side note: Babydoll has already perfected my eyebrow-raise.  I love it.