Attachment Parenting 101

Here at The Groovy Homestead, we practice attachment parenting.  What's that, you ask?  In a nutshell, we nurture the shit out of our baby.  More specifically, we do the following:

• Bedshare.  Babydoll is the ripe old age of 9 months (excuse me?  When the hell did that happen?  She was just born, like a week ago!), and she has slept securely between her daddy and me since she was 3 weeks old (when we transitioned to the bed from the couch, where we'd been sleeping - that term is used loosely - after my c-section).  Bedsharing, or co-sleeping, works so well for our family.  Babydoll is a restless sleeper (takes after her daddy).  When she rustles at night, we can quickly soothe her before she fully wakes.  And because I work days, during the majority of her waking hours, bedsharing gives us a chance to connect even while snoozing.
• Bottle nursing.  I still can't fully open up about my breastfeeding woes, without suffering another minor breakdown, so I'll only say that when we feed Babydoll her bottle, we do it in a manner that mimics breastfeeding.  She is cuddled; eye contact is made and held; she is spoken or sung to.  When she's hungry, we feed her.  When she's full, we stop.  There's no feeding schedule for this kid.
• Babywearing.  This is easily one of my favorite things EVER.  I really look forward to wearing my baby whenever I get the chance.  She loves it, too.  When she sees me put on one of our many carriers, she giggles, kicks her legs, and gets all squirmy.  When I place her inside, she rests her head against my chest and sighs.  I think it's her happy place.  It's definitely mine.
• Sensitivity.  Yes.  Sensitivity.  We view our child as another human, no matter how small she is.  We are receptive and responsive to her emotions (oh yeah...total hippie parenting).  She is never left to cry it out (those are very bad words in our house).  We understand that when she cries, she is communicating a need to us.  Sensitive parenting leads to sensitive children.  We hope that as she grows, she'll be empathetic and caring, that she'll stick up for the underdog and never turn a blind eye to someone in need.
• Practice balance.  To be honest, this is still in the works.  Babydoll's Daddy and I have only very recently begun making time for each other as a couple and for ourselves as individuals.  BD has joined a weekly poker game so he's able to get out of the house on a regular basis, and we finally had a successful baby-free date last week.  Dinner AND a movie!  It was so nice to spend one-on-one time together...truth be told, we mostly talked about the miracle that is our child.  Baby steps, right?

Babydoll got to spend an hour with me at work this week - Daddy had a last-minute doctor's appointment.  She happily chilled in my office, and when I had to take a phone call in another office, she didn't freak out or cry for the 2 minutes I was gone.  A co-worker noticed and commented about it.  I explained to her that we practice attachment parenting and at her age, she knows that even if she's left alone for a moment, someone is always coming back for her.

Always.

The Center Of My Universe

A co-worker and I often swap kid stories - his is a rambunctious eight-year-old boy, mine a spunky, newly-mischievous eight-month-old girl.  He and his wife are older parents (even older than BD and me!), and I love hearing his take on things.  A recent exchange:

CW: "You can't treat the kid like she's the center of the universe."

GM: "Why not?"

CW: "You'll spoil her."

GM: "But she's the center of MY universe.  I think it's okay to treat her as such."

CW: "Hmmmm."

And that's the truth - Babydoll is absolutely, 100% the center of my and BD's world.  Everything we do revolves around her.  I go to work every day, even though I hate it most days, to provide a nice home and lifestyle for her.  BD stays home, occasionally going stir-crazy, to care for her.  She is with one, or both, of us 99.9%* of the time.  And we like it that way.  She's our child.  We like her.  We like spending time with her.  She's fun to hang out with (I am fully aware of the poor grammar there.  I'm okay with it).  Maybe that will change in ten years, or whenever this "tween" business begins

Side note: is "tween" the same thing as "pre-teen?"

Anyway.  The following morning, another exchange between Co-Worker and me:

CW: "Hey, you know what?"

GM: "Monkey butt?"

CW: "I told the wife what you said about the kid being the center of your universe, and she said that I'm full of shit because CWK (co-worker's kid) is most definitely the center of our world, too.  Thought I'd let you know."

GM: "Right on.  So, are you going to make a fresh pot of coffee?  You took the last cup."

Seriously, what's the "tween" thing about?  Is it all Hannah Montana and Bratz dolls?

* Babydoll was left in the care of my parents one evening when her daddy and I decided to go out on a baby-free date.  It was disastrous.  We picked her up two hours after dropping her off.  We keep saying we'll try again.  That was a couple months ago.  Maybe next year.

Toxic Shock

I've spent a lot of time in the last year researching how to rid our home of toxins and implementing greener, non-toxic ways to live.  I spent so much time doing that for my home, for my family, that I neglected to get rid of that which causes more damage than anything else.

Toxic people.

You know these people.  They undermine your happiness, your confidence, your overall well-being, on a regular basis.  You keep them around because "She wasn't always like that," or "I've known him for X amount of time," or "But they're family."  Guilt plays a huge factor in it, I think.  You don't have to have been raised Catholic to know the inherent power of guilt.  As a mother, I am wracked with it.  While I can't shake off the Mother's Guilt (and probably never will), I recently made the decision to to flush that extra toxic guilt down the toilet.  Buh-bye.

There's also the ongoing drama involved when toxic people are allowed to pervade your life.  It's drama that sucks you in and perpetuates until you're finally able to say "Screw you.  Get out."  And when that drama finally clears out, the first breath of fresh, clean, non-toxic air you draw into your lungs feels like the sweetest breath ever.  Your shoulders relax.  Your mind slows down.  YOU slow down.

It's freakin' awesome.

It's probably one of the more difficult challenges I've faced in recent years, getting the toxic people out of my life.  Hurtful things were said, accusations were flung, tears were shed.  And then it was done.  Over.  Never to be re-visited.  The next morning, I felt as though I had slept better.  I truly felt lighter.  I was in a better mood than I'd been in for a long time.  I realized just how much I'd been in need of that kind of cleaning.  That realization also helped me see how much those toxins were affecting my relationship with my family and my attitude at home.  It's my fault that I let it go on as long as it did, that I didn't squelch that shit immediately. 

Ah.  More guilt.

Groovy Book Review!

I've been reading to Babydoll since she was in utero; she's now eight months old and fascinated by the pictures, the rhythms and tones of my voice as I recite to her, and I occasionally kid myself that she's actually following the story.

I was starting to toy with the idea of reviewing children's books, here and there, when I was contacted by an author whose book had just been published, asking if I would read it and post a review.  "Yeah, dude!  Hell yeah!"  I believe my answer may have been a bit more professional than that, but you get the idea.  I was excited then, and now having read and shared the book with my daughter, I'm really excited to share it with you.

CANDY STORE AT THE EDGE OF THE GALAXY

Aleza Freeman and Howard Freeman

The book is a collection of "poems and drawings for kids and the kid @ heart."  The poems are funny.  Really, really funny.  They are clever, playful, and a few of them border on flat-out silly, which is exactly what children's poems should be.  The pictures ("doodles") are bright, amusing, and definitely hold Babydoll's interest.  Her personal favorite, now that we've read the book several times, seems to be "Fish Food:"

She runs her hands over the doodles for "Fish Food" while screeching,

which translates to "Mama, this is sooooooo freaking awesome!"

Groovy Mama's favorite poem is titled "Alphabetland."  Here is an excerpt:

"There once was a day when W met E.

They joined together and formed a WE.

Their love grew stronger as time passed by

and they became F-A-M-I-L-Y."

Yeah.  Awwww.  Overall, the twelve poems in the collection, and their accompanying doodles, passed the Babydoll test.  Not only was her attention held the first time we shared it, but every time since then, she giggles, swats at the pictures, grabs it from me, and waves it around.  You might think that's just normal behavior for a baby of her age, but trust me, if the kid is bored, she's not shy about letting us know.  I love the whimsy of the drawings and the wit of the poems.  It's a fun book for any collection, and I'm happy to give it two groovy thumbs up (I was gonna say two peace signs, but that was predictable.  You deserve better.).

Special thanks to Big Doodlehead



The Case For Delaying Solids

A few days shy of her half-birthday (aka "Halfsie" - thanks Mama Lady KT!), I prepared Babydoll's first tiny bowl of rice cereal.  That first feeding was captured in photos and video, as BD and I cracked up over Babydoll's reaction to the thin, bland cereal.  In the days, weeks, and now months, that have followed that initial taste of solid food, I've encountered folks who want to know why we didn't give the baby rice cereal the very minute she turned four months old.  From all the research I've conducted, I can't figure out why it's common practice these days to give a four-month-old baby solid foods.  Some parents I know began even earlier than four months.  It just doesn't make sense to me.  There is so much evidence supporting a delay until six months old or later, or allowing the child to practice baby-led weaning.

My first stop on this research train was KellyMom.  That website is a treasure trove of real, science-based information, and it's an amazing source of breastfeeding and natural parenting support.  I next visited my old stand-by, Dr. Sears, for his take on the topic.  Finally, I checked the American Academy of Pediatrics* and the World Health Organization* for the collective view of physicians.  Every single source on my check-list supported my idea that my baby would tell me when she was ready and that waiting until she was older would be the most beneficial to her health.  It had absolutely nothing to do with how much or how little she weighed, a common argument for those who begin feeding solids early.

Armed with my newfound knowledge, we marched into the baby's four-month pediatric check-up, prepared to battle the doctor when she told us to start giving the baby cereal.  To my relief, our supportive doctor told us that she would prefer if we waited at least another six weeks to start solids.  (I've since realized that our pediatrician is a closeted hippie parent, who practices bedsharing and delayed vaccinations for her own children, much to the dismay of the other doctors at the practice.)

The primary reasoning behind our decision to delay was this: a baby's intestines simply cannot process food other than breastmilk or formula before it has reached six months of age.  Giving a baby food before this time often leads to food allergies, digestive problems (including painful gas, diarrhea and constipation), immune system deficiencies, iron-absorption issues, and obesity in later years.

My friend over at I Am Totally *That* Mom suggested that I look into baby-led weaning some months back.  Since doing so, we've sort of followed that practice.  I do make purees for Babydoll and spoon-feed her, but she often takes the spoon from my hand and allows me to help her guide it to her mouth.  We also allow her to choose foods from our plates when it sparks her interest.  She is still getting the hang of it, but she sure does love to make a mess of herself and her high chair (and the floor, and the dog's heads, and Mama's skirt).  A friend of mine asked how we could tell that Babydoll was ready for solid foods.  It was a pretty easy observation: she sat with us at the dinner table and began to take an interest in what we were doing, rather than just flinging her floppy bunny around and screeching at the kitty.  She would follow our hands as we put food in our mouths, and she'd make chewing motions with her mouth.  She began reaching for our utensils and our plates.  This all began around the time that she was five months old.  We knew that at her age, she wasn't truly ready for food, she simply wanted to be included in what the big people were doing.  During meal times, we kept her involved by talking to her and giving her a cup or toy to play with.  We gave it another month, then I bought a box of Earth's Best Organic Rice Cereal and fixed her a bowl.

So far, Babydoll has liked everything she's tasted (except squash, which is a shame.  BD and I love squash, and we eat it often, so we'll keep trying).  I believe that by delaying solids, we've allowed her to be more aware of the textures and flavors of what she's eating, which will hopefully make her an adventurous eater as she grows up.  We haven't had a single issue of upset tummy or any other sign of digestive problems, and not a trace of food allergy so far.  Knock wood.

Of course, there are always exceptions, and many parents make the argument "Well, I started Baby on solids at three-four-five months, and he's just fine," or "My mom gave me rice cereal when I was six weeks old and I'm just fine."  Careful about making that argument to me.  I can almost always find something wrong with you.  Ha.

*American Academy of Pediatrics now recommends starting solid food with babies between 4-6 months old.  The World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding for as long as possible, and exclusively until the child is six months old before beginning solid foods.

Crappy Parenting

Crappy parenting (not to be confused with Parenting, Illustrated With Crappy Pictures) seems to be more and more prevalent in society.  Every time I go out in public, I'm hit in the face by truly crappy parents (not literally, of course.  Wouldn't that be an interesting post though?).  You know these parents: they're the ones who let the (usually filthy) child cry, whine, scream, without attending to them, and then remark to a stranger (me) about how horrible their child is.  They're the parents who post on Facebook about how their child kept them up all night crying and since the child didn't have a fever, they just let the child cry because obviously that kid was just being a brat.  Right?

If you've followed this self-indulgent writing of mine for any length of time, you can probably guess how angry this sort of "parenting" makes me.  I put parenting in quotes there, because my idea of parenting does not jive with letting your kiddo cry and cry without attempting to comfort them, or complaining to random people, within hearing distance of your child, about how terrible they are.  Maybe I'm just a squishy-soft, overly attentive, gently disciplining, too-much-nurturing kind of mama, but you know what?  My 8-month-old is one damn happy baby.

I ask this question far too often: Why do people have children if they don't want the responsibility of raising them?  Why?  It begins when you have unprotected sex - whether or not you get pregnant from that encounter (usually drunk - I find that's how most people get pregnant), you're taking the chance that in nine months or so, you'll have a little person to care for.  If you make the decision to boink uncovered, and then you make the decision to have and keep the baby, you should make the decision to do your very best to raise a happy, healthy person.

You don't have to parent the way I do.  I know lots of wonderful parents who don't babyraise the way we have chosen to, but they are still fantastic parents raising perfectly happy children.  In fact, I know so many amazing parents, that when I come across a crappy one, it just throws me for a loop.  I was absolutely thrilled to become a mama, so I can't imagine how someone can make mean comments about their children (even if they ARE behaving like little hellions, why make yourself look like an ass too?).  Maybe your "brat" just needs a hug.

The Baby Bed Hog

BD and I believe that families should sleep together.  From the time Babydoll was three weeks old, she has slept securely between her Daddy and me.  It's comfortable, it's safe, and, best of all, I wake up to her perfect little baby face every morning.

For centuries, families from all walks have slept together.  In tribal communities, it ensured that the child was safe and protected from the elements and wild animals.  In the early days of America, most homes were small and there was often only one or two bedrooms, which meant that in a family of five, someone was sharing a bed with more than one other person.  In more recent America, bedsharing or co-sleeping has become taboo.  Why?  Why are we in such a rush to push our babies away from us?  Bedsharing and co-sleeping facilitate longer breastfeeding, reduce the risk of SIDS, and keep working mothers and fathers attached to their babies.

• SIDS: studies have shown that bedsharing and/or co-sleeping greatly reduce the risk of SIDS.  How?  Think about it.  If your baby is asleep next to you, rather than down the hall in another room, you're much more aware of his breathing patterns.  Additionally, the mother's breathing regulates the baby's own.  In the early days of Babydoll's existence, she slept in the crook of my arm.  One night, I tested this idea.  If I took a deep breath, she immediately took a deep breath.  If I took shorter, more shallow breaths, she did the same.  Isn't that amazing?
• Breastfeeding mothers that sleep with their child(ren) find it so much easier to feed in the middle of the night.  As breastfeeding becomes more established, sometimes the mama and baby don't even fully wake when the baby needs to feed.  Baby latches, nurses, then rolls away and falls back to sleep.  This helps both mama and baby (and daddy, too) get more restful sleep, even when baby needs to feed during the night.  This also helps mamas, especially working mamas, continue to breastfeed for a longer period of time, rather than having the baby wean or their milk supply diminish earlier than they'd like.
• It helps with staying attached.  As a working mother, I miss out on many hours with my sweet pea during the day.  Those are precious hours, and I hate being away from home.  But one must do what one must do.  In addition to babywearing when I'm home, sleeping with my baby helps us gain more hours together, even if we're both zonked out.  And hey, I'll take what I can get.
• It's just natural for us.  For both BD and me, it never even came up as a topic of discussion.  We both feel that families should sleep together for as long as all parties want to do so.  Once I had more or less recovered from my c-section and was able to sleep in my own bed again (the first three weeks were spent sleeping on the couch because it was so much easier to get up and down from it), we began bedsharing with our beautiful baby.  Seven months later, we are still enjoying it.
• You're more aware of your baby's sleeping patterns and any issues that come up during the night.  When Babydoll is restless (as she often is), instead of allowing her to wake fully and call our attention, we are right there to cuddle, soothe and pacify her right back into sleep.  When she is teething or doesn't feel well, we are right there to keep her comfortable and allow her more rest.

Bedsharing is when all members sleep in the same bed.  Co-sleeping is when all members sleep in the same room, but not necessarily the same bed.  The term "co-sleeping" is most often used though the person usually means "bedsharing."  Either way, it's still families sleeping together and it's a beautiful thing.

*Safety should always be practiced when bedsharing and co-sleeping.  Babies should not use a pillow, nor have a blanket pulled up to their chin.  We keep Babydoll's blanket pulled up to her tummy.  If either parent has been drinking, or taken any kind of drug (prescription or otherwise), baby shouldn't sleep in the same bed.  We use a fan to keep air circulating throughout the room and to keep the temperature cool (which you should do even if baby sleeps in a crib).  Please read Dr. Sears' recommendations for safe bedsharing and co-sleeping.  Dr. Sears does not recommend that the baby sleep between the mother and father, but it's what works for us.  Use your best judgment, as with everything.

**If you don't currently practice family bed, you're probably wondering how BD and I maintain our "adult" relationship when there's a baby tucked between us.  Without getting graphic (I'm so not a kiss-and-tell kind of girl), I will say that it definitely hasn't suffered.  There are plenty of rooms in the house, beside the bedroom.  S-E-X does not have to be confined to a bed in a bedroom.  That is all.  Wink.